Thursday, August 7, 2008

A Subcommittee Inquest into the Origins and Consequences of the Skrull Invasion - a Fantasy

Oh, I know it's not over, yet, so my crystal ball might not be very good. But I think I've got enough to write a touch of fanfic. Oh-em-gee, I think this will qualify as fanfic.

Anyway, on Earth-616-and-a-smidge, after the business with Skrulls trying to conquer the earth and when most things have come to light, there are Senate hearings into, well, how it went along so far. Imagine a packed committee room, one of the ones with the big high desks that the Senators sit on and tables a distance away with microphones. It's packed with people, mostly press, lots of cameras, lots of other mikes. The subcommittee is chaired by Senator Quimby (D-Springfield) and with vice-chair Senator Blutarsky (R-Massachusetts). Sitting at one of the tables is Reed Richards.

QUIMBY: The Senate, this committee and the American people greet you, Dr. Richards. I see your lovely wife in the audience. I hope we won't give you too much cause for emotional support, here.

RICHARDS: Thanks for your greeting, Senator.

QUIMBY: So, let's get down to business. The Skrulls infiltrated our superhuman community. How did this happen.

RICHARDS: They developed improvements to their shapeshifting process which allowed them to remain undetected for a very long time, Senator.

BLUTARSKY: I think what my distinguished colleague was asking, Dr. Richards, is how did they go unnoticed for so long?

RICHARDS: As I said . . .

BLUTARSKY: Try saying something new. We've all read your press reports about how the Skrulls improved their process of shapeshifting. We know that. What I am interested in are the reports - and we have a pile of them right here - that say they sought a divide and conquer strategy against superheroes, specifically American ones. Let's talk about that.

RICHARDS: I'm not sure what you . . .

BLUTARSKY: I wouldn't have thought myself so hard to see through when talking to the smartest man in the world. Allow me to rephrase. Part of the plan of the Skrulls was to foment chaos and dissent amongst the superhero community.

RICHARDS: Yes.

BLUTARSKY: So they arranged events to create an atmosphere of paranoia and distrust directed at the superhuman community?

RICHARDS: I believe so.

BLUTARSKY: You were one of the chief architects of that plan. Well, no, not architect. Something more like a patsy.

RICHARDS: I . . . there is no way to see into the future.

QUIMBY: That's funny, Dr. Richards. Because I've got a pile of papers right here that say that's exactly what you can do. That you developed a system of mathematics that is able to predict future trends to high degrees of accuracy. And on the strength of those recommendations you assisted in the drafting of legislation, and the fighting of battles that split apart the superhero community.

RICHARDS: I am not sure how to respond to that.

BLUTARSKY: To tell the truth, I couldn't begin to understand the mathematics, here. But I have a witness who can. (A bailiff goes and returns with . . . DOCTOR DOOM. There is a big stir.) Please take a seat, Dr. Doom.

RICHARDS: I can't believe this! I . . .

BLUTARSKY: Dr. Doom, have you read the articles on Reed Richards' work concerning the prediction of future events.

DOOM: I have had a great deal of time to read scientific journals. Yes, I have read his work.

BLUTARSKY: Do you understand it.

DOOM: The question is insulting. Of course I did.

BLUTARSKY: So, Dr. Doom, can you perhaps illuminate what went wrong with these analyses of Dr. Richards?

DOOM: Simply speaking, Richards made a mistake. His parameterization was faulty. He used the wrong mathematical regime to address the question.

RICHARDS: Victor, you know as well as I that when dealing with numerical problems of this scale it is impossible to work with them in the proper regime! Senator, when you have very small values that can concretely effect very large values, on the scale of one to the seventh orders of magnitude, it becomes impossible to use a computational method to solve the problem! I used parameters that were highly successful in . . .

DOOM: Fluid dynamics! But clearly when dealing with social engineering, we are talking levels of complexity that approach, or exceed, that of fluid turbulence! But in your arrogance . . .

RICHARDS: My arrogance?

DOOM: You allowed yourself to be guided to parameterize the problem both in a way that you could solve it, an in a way that made you the focus of some glorious new world!

RICHARDS: How many mistakes have you made, Doom? This is just another . . .

DOOM: Nonsense! I had my work fact checked by an unimpeachable source. You made grotesque mistakes, Richards! Because you were incapable of believing that the problem of human interaction is fundamentally turbulent in nature, you sought out a regime that was superficially correct. You used it to predict the hem lengths on skirts and the price of the dollar, for tricks that any capable economics professor could do for the time periods of your research, while turning a blind eye to the truth: that there are simply too many values to be parameterized! My work in the field of temporal mechanics is second to none, and one of the first rules I found is that to predict the future you must first know it. It is a tautology which prevents accurate predictions.

RICHARDS: Who did you get to check your work, Doom?

QUIMBY: That would be our next guest, Dr. Richards. But if it pleases Dr. Doom, I don't think we have any other questions. You're free to go. (Doom leaves.) Bailiff, will you please show in our next expert to talk about all of this? (The bailiff leaves and returns with AMADEUS CHO.) Mr. Cho, thank you for coming. Please, take your seat.

CHO: No problem, dude.

QUIMBY: That's senator, young man.

CHO: OK, Senator Dude. (Laughter from the audience)

QUIMBY: You never believed in the need for superhero registration.

CHO: Never. It was pretty clearly flawed from the onset. I mean, come on, a couple of rich, Ivy League educated white guys came up with a solution that made them more powerful. It was pretty obviously an attempt to keep their status in the face of changes undergoing the superhero community.

RICHARDS: I don't see how this speculation has anything to do with my work.

BLUTARSKY: No, no, I'm interested. Mr. Cho, why do you say that?

CHO: Well, you can do your fact checking, but how many people here have even heard of Isaiah Bradley? See? No one. He as the first supersoldier, the black Captain America. But history has forgotten him. What they've remembered is the white Captain America. But times change. More and more superheroes are people of color, guys like Luke Cage and the Patriot, guys like that.

RICHARDS: I am not a racist.

CHO: Yeah right whatever. You keep telling yourself that if it makes you feel any better, whitebread. But, senators and dude, it was obvious to me from the beginning that these guys were just threatened by all the poor and non-white heroes that were starting to gain traction. So they thought up a plan to keep themselves in power.

QUIMBY: And you fact checked Dr. Doom's work.

CHO: Totally.

QUIMBY: Do you agree with Dr. Doom's assessment of the situation?

CHO: Yep. Garbage in, garbage out. Richards definitely used the wrong regime. His predictions were bogus from the start, but he only tested them against lightweight crap for short periods of time to verify them. Sloppy science. Even if he isn't a big old racist who wanted to stay on top of the pile, his math sucked. His work is useless for predicting future events. It's like Vic said. The problem with predicting the future is you don't know what's gonna happen. Maybe Stamford was some reckless punk kids trying to boost their rep and things got screwed up and a lot of people died, or maybe it was a Skrull invasion to cause superheroes to beat each other up so the Skrulls could get as many of their agents as possible in place. There's no way to know. Too many variables. Turbulent.

QUIMBY: I think that will be all, Mr. Cho.

CHO: No problem, Senator Dude. (Exits.)

BLUTARSKY: So, Dr. Richards, we have had two professional witnesses who say that your mathematics, what did Mr. Cho say? They sucked. Do you have anything to say about that?

RICHARDS: (Humbled.) I never meant to do any harm. I just wanted to help people.

BLUTARSKY: And, believe me, we are well aware of all the good you have done. But having done good in the past can only partially mitigate your responsibility for having ignored common sense and scientific ethics in the promotion of your agenda. I believe you have swindled the Senate and the American people, Mr. Richards.

QUIMBY: Senator Blutarsky, calm down. The witness here is not hostile, and he is still a hero. But even heroes make mistakes of reason.

RICHARDS: Thank you, senator.

QUIMBY: The second issue I want to bring up, however, is Prison Forty-Two.

RICHARDS: I don't know that I can help you very much with that, senator. I was only involved in the initial design phases. What happened afterwards is beyond me.

QUIMBY: Yes, yes, the political end of things will be addressed when we talk to Mr. Stark. I am more curious about it's location. The Negative Zone.

(Richards looks uncomfortable.)

QUIMBY: I admit I am one of the people who voted for the creation of the prison. I had certain problems with how it was being pitched, but some of these supervillains are dangerous enough that getting them away from people, far away, seemed sensible. However, one of the things that I was told, along with my colleagues, is that the Negative Zone is safe.

RICHARDS: The environment is quite able to sustain human life.

QUIMBY: I have right here before me an article out of Nature magazine. It says, allow me to read it, "While the Negative Zone has everything needed to support life, bearing in mind the short supply of water, there are unfortunate psychological consequences of prolonged stays there. Some people exhibit severe depression, anxiety, rage, hallucinations and psychosis. To some extent these symptoms effect everyone, and over time their influence increases." Can you guess who the author of that is, Mr. Richards?

RICHARDS: I don't need to guess. I know. It's me.

QUIMBY: I had my staff check your testimony in front of the House and Senate, and all public meetings about this, and I can't find you ever mentioning it to us. Let me read you something else, "Except for the lack of water, the Negative Zone is the ideal place for criminals. Able to support life in comfortable physical conditions, dramatically isolated from the earth, there is no reason why the Negative zone should not be used for the incarceration of criminals." Do you know who said that, Dr. Richards?

RICHARDS: It was me, too. (Gasps from the audience. Flashbulbs flashing.) I was only talking about the physical conditions in the Negative Zone. It was not my intent to deceive.

QUIMBY: So you expect us to believe that you didn't think it was important to tell us that people who go to the Negative Zone experience psychotic rages and murderous hallucinations?

RICHARDS: It was outside the specific testimony asked.

BLUTARSKY: You missed your calling as a lawyer, Dr. Richards. (More laughter.)

Right then, a man in a suit would rush up.

MAN IN SUIT: I'm the lawyer of the Fantastic Four. I got here as soon as possible. Dr. Richards, don't say anything else!

And so the open public hearing of Reed Richards came to an end. But in the aftermath of his arrogance and lies, he was never regarded the same way, again. His wife would leave him and pick up with Namor, and his company and patents would eventually be purchased by Doctor Doom, leaving him a minor functionary in the Baxter Building, ashamed and forgotten.

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